I think I became claustrophobic after Miss C-Jaz was born. I remember in the first few months, maybe even the first year, just thinking about going out in public with her made me feel nervous, anxious, and maybe even a little withdrawn. Whether it was going to church, grocery shopping, or the mall, I felt panicked - something I wasn't used to feeling. I think I was nervous about having to feed her or change her in public and unsanitary places, making me more germophobe as well than I've ever been. I think I was anxious about both her and I being uncomfortable, not having a place for her to lie down or play other than her UNO.
I've always been calm and could handle anxiety well. The support system has always been strong with J, my family, his family, and our closest friends. I've been fortunate enough to have had them over often, but even then at times I felt awkward and a little 'off', probably just with myself.
For a long while until yesterday, for a brief moment, I felt the kind of nervousness or anxiousness associated with taking Miss C-Jaz out in public. The main thing that made me hesitate when I was back home was overall safety from other people. Where we are now, it seems as if people general leave each other alone, so weather is what makes me hesitate. On any given day the weather can go from sun to rain with a constant breeze, and yesterday was no different.
With the sun screens on and irritatingly automatic, the day's weather definitely made them go down and up. To my surprise, it wasn't only the two top windows that were shaded. When I had drawn the blinds up of the two bottom windows, the only thing I saw through the windows were more sun shades.